Then and Now

1095 days ago, I was stupid enough to give you my heart
You did not handle with care you even toyed with it
You played it hard, and broke it hard
But never have I thought you would actually hurt it
The scar that you’ve made is vivid and fresh,
I cried in pain, yelled in tears
It took me ages to heal and forget
I’d lost count for how many years
I fell on my knees,
Gathered the shattered pieces
Locking it in a chest.
I no longer looked back.
I buried it deep down in a vault
I swore no one is going to touch it again
I shut the door and hid the key
Not planning to let anybody in

Both times I did it.
I did not hand my heart to anybody
He loved me,
It’s his business, not mine.
It is protected by a guard
Released day is not that early
I just could not hand him my heart
Because I knew the ending will be ugly
What is the point of giving away the cards?

Now here comes the fourth time
I am scared and lost in confusion
For the door is going to be opened anytime
Tears come again because I feel so touched
Hearing what you said
I fear that once my heart is touched
It can never be set
Putting the broken heart into one piece
For the second time
I don’t have the faintest idea how
All I can do is to stop it and hide
I tried not to let him in,
But whatever he does
Seems to be finding his way in
My heart tells me that it wants to be touched.
But I have forbidden it.
I am scared of it
How many times you’ve told me you like me for real,
But how many times I have doubted it.
I am scared to make the same mistake twice
Maybe you will ask me why
All I could say is you don’t deserve to be lie
You are so good to me
And that scare me big time
Because what if I make you love me
Then I turn around saying goodbye?
Forgive me if I’m acting not right
I want to take it slow
Before making the decision of whether I should try
For it is not a simple show

Something about me. Im that kind of gal.

I am a gal who will really help you or do a lot for you (somehow at all cost)...

Just because I like you.

Just because whatever you do makes me smile.

Just because your existence feels so right to me.

Just because I feel like you worth my help.

Just because you are one hell of my good friend.

I'm that kind of gal. It doesn't necessaily to be anything about benefits I will get from you in the near future.

I am a gal who will care about you or worry about you so damn much or make conversation with you...

Just because I want to.

Just because I like you.

Just because I want to give you my love.

Just because you seem to have needed it so much.

Just because I feel right to do it to you.

I'm that kind of gal. It doesn't necessarily to be I'm falling for you, or I love you, but that doesn't mean I may not be. (lol)

I am a gal who can like you a lot but all of a sudden turn around hating you so much...

Just because your present feels so wrong to me.

Just because I can't bare to look at you for another second.

Just because whatever you do or say makes me feel disgusting and disturbing.

Just because I do not think you deserve whatever it is from me.

I'm that kind of gal. So.. ? But remember, there is ALWAYS a reason behind.

I am a gal who will not say a single bad word about you...

Just because I don't see the need to.

Just because you are like that but that doesn't mean I should be like that too.

Just because I am not a bad gal.

I'm that kind of gal. So do feel safe after hurting me. Your wrong doings die with me. But I can't guarantee you will be happy.

I am a gal who won't lie to my closest friends or people I want to be honest with...

Just because I don't feel right to lie to you.

Just because I want you to know everything about me.

Just because your existence makes me want you to read me like an open book.

Just because I want the relationship between us to improve.

I'm that kind of gal.

I am a gal who can read signs and body language thoroughly, but if I didn't let the cat out of the bag...

Just because I want to save you some faces.

Just because I am totally speechless by what I know.

Just because I am waiting to see what I read is right or wrong.

Just because you look cute when you thought I have NO idea, in fact I do.

Just because I may be feeling the same way as you do.

Just because I want you to tell me in person.

I'm that kind of gal. So yeah, don't ever try to say A in front of me but thinking about B in your heart. I can totally tell.

I am a gal who will never do anything to hurt people on purpose...

Just because I am not that kind of person.

Just because I somehow understand the feeling of being hurt.

Just because I am not a psycho.

Just because I dont like to toy with other's feelings.

Just because it is so wrong.

I'm that kind of gal. If one day you are hurt because of me, forgive me, and understand me, I had done whatever I can to stop it.

I'm that kind of gal. So yeah, love me or hate me? But ... I'm DEFINITELY the kind of gal that means NO HARM to you.

<3>

xoxo

Love a person, you don't need to own him/her

If you truly love a person, you don't need to own him/her. You will be happy and feel most content when he/she is happy. When he/she is in tears, you will feel like your heart is torn apart.

Promise

Have you ever made a promise? Have you ever broken your promises to people? Somehow it is just so easy to make a promise but keeping it is totally a different story. You can say 'I promise.' or "You have my word." all the time, but do you really mean it when you said that? Keeping a promise costs a lot. But no matter what, breaking a promise is a big sin because the moment you break it, you are hurting innocent people.

It's always easier said than done. People always like to make promises but they don't really take it seriously. They break their words over and over as if it never mattered. Maybe some people think that it matters, so they will start making a bunch of excuses, trying to make it look good. But what is the difference? Either way you are breaking your promise. Think a second before you make a promise, think twice whether you will be able to keep it. It is because the person you make promises to take it seriously, and once you break it, it hurts. You can say they are childish or naive to take in every single word you said, but a promise is a promise. Promise is something you are bounded to keep, not breaking it.

My friend once broke her promise to me and I felt so hurt. I accused her of breaking her word until now. I once made a promise to someone important. But a month ago I broke this promise. All this time I felt really guilty, I felt like I had hurt him so bad even though he hadn't found out that I'd had my promise broken. I honestly couldn't imagine what would happen if he found out. I knew I should never break this promise but still I did. I felt like I was tasting the forbidden apple. The guilt seemed to have been eating me inside and out. I couldn't stand it anymore so I stopped doing whatever I was doing and continued to keep the promise that I've made. I just didn't want to break it anymore.

I am not sure about the others but to me breaking my promises is a big deal. Or someone breaking his/her promises that he/she made to me is certainly a huge deal to me. I really hate people breaking their promises. Once you said, "I PROMISE." I believe you will be able to keep it and I will take it really seriously. That is why here I am, making a promise to you guys, "I promise I will never break any of my promises." and sorry if I ever did.

It feels like being cheated when someone break his/her promise on you. It feels like that person doesn't care about you anymore, or maybe he has never really care about you at the first place. It hurts so bad. I know this feeling so I don't want to see people around me getting hurt.

Somehow, it is better off not to take so seriously in people's word/ promise because once it is broken, you will be the only one who get hurt. On the other hand, don't make a promise to anyone if you aren't sure you can keep it/ work it out.

DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING

Nothing is worse then rushing into a relationship and on the one-month anniversary you have the thought of breaking up with your boyfriend.

You maybe serious in the relationship at first but once when the feeling is gone, it’s just so hard to find it again. People say the more time you spend with the person, the more feelings you will have. However, why force yourself to be with someone who obviously isn’t your Mr. Right? When he is always out of your league? Why don’t we just let the feelings fade away and seek for the better?

Breaking up with your boyfriend one month after being together is hard. It seems like you are obviously toying with his feelings. This is so wrong. But somehow ending it as soon as possible is better for the both of you. Ending it after a really long time is bad because by then your boyfriend will love you more and more and it will be painful for him to break up with you.

Feelings can grow but they can go away too. This is so true. If you want to satisfy that person, you got to satisfy her hearts as well. When all this time he is not what you actually want but for some unknown reasons you just get into a relationship with him, soon you will start to wonder if it is a mistake and when you realize that it really is then all the feelings you once had for him will disappear at once. And then you will start to think about whether or not you should let go.

Keep holding onto the relationship you obviously don’t want to continue no matter what is actually a waste of time. You are taking away the chances for him to seek for the better; someone who will truly love him. And the decision of breaking up with him is actually a lesson for you.

DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING.

Rushing into something is only setting you and your boyfriend up for trouble and misery. The decision of rushing into a relationship with him is the start of an ugly ending. This is reality, not a fairytale. Nothing good will come out of it because he can never satisfy you when he is always NOT the one you want. People win, and people lose. But in the end, everyone will have a chance to win and that is when you have a happy marriage.

Anywayz, what I want to say is think it over, think twice, think a million times before taking a step, before getting into a relationship or getting married. Because you don't want to break up with your boyfriends or your husbands over and over. Breaking up with boyfriends a million times is okay but getting divorces is definitely not a good thing.

So yeah, think before you leap.

I wrote a poem

Love me with all your heart

In a blink of an eye

We are by each other's side

In a few months time

Our relationship comes by

We knew before we met

Guess it is god’s will

That we are set

And our love will never be killed

I never thought we would have any connections

And there is no way we would ever click

I had my confusions

But you cleared it with a trick

A stranger you were once

Another gentle look you had my hands

You lit my life like a pretty dance

One more look you will have my yes

If I could have one wish

It would be hearing you saying I Love You

If I could have one more wish

It would be waking up seeing you

I wrote your name on the window

But it is easily erased

Under the sun, I saw your shadow

But it can so fade away

I craved your name in my heart

And forever it will stay

You bring a joy to my heart

And it feels like candies to me every day

You know you are in love

The moment you notice the paradise in my laugh

All I want is to be part of your heart

And for us being together and never be apart

First Kiss >3< El primer beso

"Serena stretched her face up to Sam’s and he bent down toward hers. Sam held her shoulder and had her closer to his chest. His eyes were just inches away from Serena; they locked eyes for a long moment. Her heart was bumping faster than ever, she was trying to control her breath, hoping it would not sound too labored. They were moving closer than a while ago, Sam titled his head and lead forward and Serena did likewise. Suddenly their lips were touching each other. His tongue touched hers, his hands found their ways under the covers and were on her waist and he pulled her closer; his mouth was gentle.”

“Sam’s hand reached up to cradle Serena’s face. He bent his head toward hers and he pressed his lips on hers. Sam began the kiss. A hand slide down Serena’s back, pressing her harder to Sam’s chest. Sam pressed his lips again to Serena’s to stop her from talking. He pulled Serena’s lips back to his. His lips were so gentle, moving with hers. Sam’s mouth found Serena’s, the tip of his tongue pressed against hers and making its way into her mouth. The whisper of their lips moving in rhythm had them both cried silently. They kissed back for a few minutes before Serena struggled with Sam as gently as she could, holding him away just enough to lock eyes with him.”

These two are the scenes from the stories Crossroad and the U-Turn, not sure if you remember but they are the one of kissing parts. The former one is a happy one but the second one is a sad one, there are tears in between. I miss these two stories, but well, I'm happy with my new one. Just to let you know the new story You're my boy friend but you aren't my boyfriend is coming along good. But still, I think it's just half way done and I need more time. These days I haven't been really productive since I can't really think of what to write. I really want to finish it as soon as possible but somehow when I look at the computer, my mind goes blank, I just can't think of a conversation/scene to write. Yeah I know.. that's bad. I really want to read the whole finished story ASAP but.... yeah... I need time.

Anyway, I want to talk about First kiss today.

When do you think is the proper time to give your first kiss to your first boyfriend? Before you guys start dating? The day he asks you to be his girlfriend? A week after dating? Or longer… ? A kiss is not a big deal actually. In many countries, kissing a guy/girl on the cheek is a greeting; there is nothing special about it. But I’m talking about lips. A guy kissing a girl on the lips, to me it’s such a big deal because it will be my first kiss.

Since it is the first, I’m sure every one will want it to be special, romantic and sweet. I am not sure about others but I seriously am not ready to give my boyfriend my first kiss. (Sorry about that) I want to make sure before I do anything, I’m scared somehow and I don’t want to regret about anything. True, I am defensive. Well, but I really am not trying to play hard to get. I have no problem at all when he breathes a kiss on my cheek and I will even feel really happy about it ( I wont say NO) but that’s it. I don’t want him to kiss me on my lips until at least a month after we dated. I mean if he loves me he will wait right? Why need to rush? Besides being together is not about kissing and having sex, it’s about caring each other and truly love each other not only physically but mentally.

A lot of people will lose their first kiss when they were fourteen or fifteen. They have their first date and their first boyfriend when they are teens. I am not sure if they know what is love and relationship but yeah they kiss. I am eighteen years old and I’m happy that I still have my first kiss. I know a little bit about love and relationship since I guess I need that knowledge to write my stories. My love stories can be so sweet, and right now when it comes to me, whatever my boyfriend does, I feel like it’s not sweet enough. Well, I guess I really need to separate reality from fantasy. Or maybe it’s just my boyfriend is not sweet enough; it has nothing to do with reality and fantasy. Ha… I really have no idea. (No offense) Somehow I wish what happen in my stories ( the sweet sweet things) will happen on me. I will be thrilled if that really happen.

Sometimes, a kiss can be the start of everything. On the other hand, a kiss however can be the end of everything especially when it's wrong place, wrong time. Guys, don't kiss the girl whenever you feel like to especially when she is not even your girl. But that doesn't mean you can feel free to kiss your girl. Being kissed or kiss others is a choice, don't take away the right of the girl saying no.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that don’t kiss anybody on the lips until you are sure and you are ready to. You don’t want to do something you don’t want to or just because your boyfriend wants you to because this is so wrong. Do it when you are ready. I’m sure your boyfriend will respect you if he truly loves you.

Have fun dating!

By the way, here comes Chapter 16.

Chapter 16

January 2009

After the episode during English, Sam went to the Student Office at once, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Karen, I would like to have some changes with my time table.”

Ms. Karen started at him, “Ms Karen.”

Sam looked at her with black expression. He blinked a few times and finally understood. “Oh, Ms Karen, I would like to have some changes with my time table.”

This time Ms Karen smiled and said, “Sure, which class do you want to change?”

Sam thought for a second then answered, “I want to change the English 102 to 103 which is an afternoon class.” Mrs. Karen took out a form and filled in what Sam just said.

“Ok, anything else?”

“Yeah, and also the Physic with Chemistry, and also Mathematics 101 to 103.” Sam said, he wanted to change his time table as many as possible. He couldn’t hurt Serena anymore by being with her every single lesson.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Parker, I think it is not possible for you to change your Mathematics. There is no vacancy in this semester, I’m afraid you have to stick with your old schedule.” Ms. Karen told Sam.

“Well, there’s got to be a way.” Sam said with disappointment.

“Yeah there is, drop the classes and go to another school.” Ms. Karen said with a fake smile.

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed, “Thanks, anyway.” He then walked out of the office. Maybe he was destined to have one class being with Serena so he would have at least know how she had been doing.

Sam wasn’t there in any of the class which Serena would be, Serena was starting to think that he was once again avoiding her; he was doing what he said. Sam wouldn’t let Serena see him too often. He did it, now that Serena would only see him in Mathematics. That was the only class that Serena and Sam would be having together.

“Hey, Sam?” Joanna asked, taking out her Math notebook.

“What are you daydreaming about?” Joanna asked; see Sam was staring at the window.

Sam turned away from the window, “Nothing, hey who’s that guy?” he pointed at the guy coming into the classroom, he was about 18, with dark brown hair, and around 6 feet, carrying a black North Face backpack.

“Well, that guy? He’s new, called Jason Blake.” Joanna answered.

“Where’s he from?” Sam asked.

Joanna rolled her eyes and said, “I think I did say he’s new right?”

Sam looked at her and bite his lip, “Sorry, my bad.”

Jason approached Mr. Wilson, the Math teacher, and he pointed at the empty seat next to Serena. Jason nodded and headed to the seat.

“Hi.” Jason greeted but Serena concentrated so hard on her Math, and she did not realize someone has sat down next to her and she obviously did not hear Jason said hi to her as well. Jason thought that Serena was that kind of girl who just like to be left alone and live in her own little world; never like to talk to anybody so he did not try to talk to her again.

Sam saw Jason sat right next to Serena, that made him felt so uneasy, but since he did not see Serena has any intention to make this new friend, he felt relief for a while. All of a sudden Serena jumped; she turned her head and stared at Jason.

“Holy --! Who’re you?” Serena asked loudly.

“Oh, hey, I’m Jason, Jason Blake. I’m a new student.” Jason said as he put out his hand for Serena to take.

“Sorry about that, I just didn’t realize you are sitting next to me, I’m Serena Pleasure.” Serena replied and shook hands with Jason.

“Don’t worry about that.” Jason smiled. Mr. Wilson looked at them and they stopped chatting at once, both of them giggled. Jason yanked a page out of his note book and started writing.

Do you mind showing me around the campus and then maybe we can have lunch together?

Jason shoved the note at Serena. She looked surprised and she started reading, few seconds later, she started writing. It took Serena several minutes to think of how to reply before she slipped the paper back to Jason.

I don’t know. I can sure show you around the campus but then I guess I’m a not free to have lunch with you. Sorry.

Serena felt bad for lying about not being free. But she just did not want to have lunch with someone she barely knew! She just felt so uneasy, so she chose to turn Jason down. Jason frowned at the letters on the page, but then he turned to Serena and smiled. Serena and Jason stopped their little paper chatting and listened to Mr. Wilson after that. But as for Sam, he could never concentrate on anything; his mind was thousand miles away. He saw the entire thing, he saw Serena smiled happily when chatting with Jason Blake, Sam felt like he was being threaten! Sam could not let Jason took away his Serena, but too bad that he could not do anything to have Serena back.

Sam shook Joanna’s hand and she looked at him, “What?” Joanna whispered as she was shaking her head.

“I gotta talk to you, urgent!” Sam whispered back.

“Not now.” Joanna glanced at Mr. Wilson, wishing Sam understood that Math class wasn’t the ideal place to talk.

Sam nodded and whispered once again, “Lunch.” Joanna nodded and turned to look at the board again.

*

The bell has rung, Serena and Jason walked out of the classroom together.

“Hey, S, let’s have lunch.” Jasmine said as she tapped on Serena’s shoulder causing her to jump and then turn around.

“I’m sorry, I got something to do. I’ll call you later, okay?” Serena said with a smile and left.

“Ok, call me.” Jasmine frowned and walked away.

“Well, let me show you the canteen first.” Serena said as she turned to Jason.

“Okie doie.” Jason replied.

“You see the red building over there? Make a left when you reached there; then you will see a pink building, that’s the canteen. It’s so obvious, you can’t miss it.” Serena explained.

“I’ll try to remember.” Jason smirked.

“Don’t worry, I’ll walk you there.”

“Actually, the school campus is not that big, so it won’t be hard to find the way.” Serena walked Jason to the canteen and then she continued to show him around until it’s almost lunch time. Serena then made an excuse and slipped back to her dorm. She didn’t want to go to anywhere since that afternoon she did not have any classes, so she just stayed in her dorm and did some reading.

After Serena left Jason, he tried to remember the way to the library. Jason looked around and started to walk toward the main building, determined to get a map since he really couldn’t remember the way.

“Hey buddy!” Lax said, running up to Jason.

Jason turned around and asked, “Me?”

“Yeah, you’re Jason, right?” Lax asked, pretending he didn’t know, but in fact he did.

“That’s me.”

“I’m Lax Smith. I…ah…I’m a new student receptionist, I was told to show you around.” Lax lied.

“Oh, nice to meet you, Lax. And…uh….Serena already showed me around.” Jason told Lax and held out a hand for him to shake.

Lax took the hand, “Serena Pleasure, oh, she’s such a nice girl.” he commented.

“You know her?” Jason asked, curiously.

“Of course, we are good friends, let’s have lunch together and we will talk about that.”

“Wonderful!” Jason said happily, and together they walked to the canteen.

Think positive Think negative

Have your friend ever come to you, cried and wained about breaking up with her boyfriend and that she felt really bad? I didn't have this kind of experience until last night. My friend called me and told me her boyfriend had cheated on her and now they were over, but she missed him so much and she even called him and asked if they could be back together. I'm sure everybody will think that my friend is so stupid. How can she still want to be with him when he cheated on her? Yeah, that's exactly what I told my friend. I told her that the guy was lame, he's an asshole. He didn't deserve you shedding a tear for him. And he's so not worth it. She agreed with me but still she couldn't help thinking about him.

This whole thing got me wonder what if it were me who got dumped? What if it were my boyfriend who cheated on me? Can I still be that calm and keep telling myself that my boyfriend is not worth it, he's an asshole, he doesn't deserve me shedding a tear on him? And if I really get back with him, there is no guarantee that he won't cheat on me again, so should I just let go? "A hundred times without infidelity." This sentence is so true.

Guys can fall in and out of love in a blink of an eye, and sometimes even for girls. That is why we have to make sure it is really love but not just lust before getting into anything. What if you think that it's love but in fact it's just lust. Hurrying into a relationship will only get the both of you hurt.

True it will be better for the guy who cheated to break up with you because he won't be wasting your time. It certainly hurts but you don't want to wait until he cheated enough then you find out. By then you will feel so dumb. Let go and find another one because this whole break-up thing is actually telling us HE IS NOT THE ONE. Those who cheated but refused to admit his mistake are the worst people ever. They are really assholes.

You can cry, you can wained, you can act crazy but there is always a time limit. Once you have done enough stupid things, waste enough time, you need to pull yourself together and have a new start. You have every right to feel sad, get mad, but you just have to remember that when is the time to stop and move on.

Girls, just really think before you take another step. It is hard to see things clearly when you are in a situation but I'm sure there will be a lot of people around you who care about you and please listen to them, they can see things more clearly than you do.

I know I haven't been uploading the story for ages. HEHE Here you go chapter 15 .

Chapter 15

January 2009

All this time, no matter how Serena tried to act like normal, like nothing had happened, but Jasmine just knew she was not quite herself after the talk with Sam, because her eyes betrayed her. She had been working and studying all day and nights, she barely hanged out with her. She always said she was busy but in fact there was nothing to be busy with!

Jasmine tried to talk to Serena but she just wouldn’t talk! Every time Jasmine talked about that thing, Serena would say, “I’m fine”, or “I don’t want to talk about it”, and sometimes just ignored the question. So in order to make Serena tell her how she really felt, Jasmine thought of an idea.

Jasmine knew Serena was having trust issues with Sam, she simply just buried it deep down in fear that if she allowed it to surface for just a second, just allowed it to sneak up and actually admit to how afraid she was of Sam hurting her again; how afraid she was to just think of what Sam told her for just a second, she might not be able to cope anymore.

Jasmine suggested they did some kids act, writing letter to each other telling about how they had been. Jasmine knew sooner or later Serena would write her true feeling. At first, the letter Serena wrote to Jasmine were of nothing important, just telling Jasmine how boring the lessons had been, how busy she was. Serena knew what was the purpose of At last, Serena didn’t want to lie anymore, she wanted to have someone to talk to, and so she wrote a letter about everything.

“Hey Jas. Let’s go tea.” Serena said, as she came out from shower.

“Sure. Where do you wanna have it?” Jasmine asked, opening her locket and threw the dirty clothes in.

“Um, meet me at Angela’s at 4.” Serena said, leading against the wall, rubbing her hair dry with a towel.

“Ok, I’ll see you after English.” Jasmine smiled cunningly and put on the jacket.

“Oh, how cool it is to have English,” Serena sighed and continued, “I got Math.” Serena chewed her lips and walked away.

Finally, the Math lesson was over and Serena rushed out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang. The letter dropped out from her bag as she got up.

The letter addressed to Jasmine.

The letter which Serena finally chose to write her feeling about so many things.

The letter.

Sam was the last to leave the classroom. He was walking past the blackboard and he stopped when something caught his eyes. A blue envelope was lying under the desk next to where he was standing. The same blue envelope that he had once received from Serena. Sam bent down and picked it up, and saw that it was a letter which was addressed to Jasmine.

Jas

“It’s Serena’s handwriting.” Sam said to himself. His mind vacillating between opened it or not opened it. He wanted to know what Serena wrote, finally he gave in and opened it carefully trying not to have the envelop torn and read it.

Jas,

I know I’ve written you some serious crap. I know you want me to get over with Sam; I know you did this for me. I’m sorry for shutting myself out after Sam meeting me in the diner.

Jas, forgive me. In the following, you will know how I feel, and I am recovering, don’t worry.

I went nuts at the end of April, right after I’ve written a letter to Sam. I asked Joanna to give it to him because I’m afraid that he won’t accept it. I just don’t want to be rejected once again. Joanna told me later that Sam read it right away in the basketball court. When I heard that I thought it was a good sign. I thought Sam and I would be fine again. But I was so wrong! After Sam got the letter, even read it, he didn’t do anything! I was so broken at that time. I waited and waited for his reply but I got none.

I always woke up crying in the middle of the night dreaming about Sam telling me he was sorry but still he did break my heart. To tell the truth, I always feel like it was my fault that we are not together now, because he did say sorry but I was too upset and I said we couldn’t be together. I shouldn’t have said that! And now, everything becomes like that, I don’t know what Sam is thinking and I surely don’t know what he is doing. He is sometimes really close to me but sometimes he just stays the hell away from me. I don’t understand! I mean right now, I really wanna be back with him but seems like he didn’t want to. And I know why. I don’t want to accept the truth.

Anyway, after giving Sam the letter, months had passed; we almost never speak to each other. In May, I tired so hard not to think of Sam because I needa concentrate of my final. I can’t screw up the final because of him. I tried so hard to stop myself from thinking about him, and I did it! But it was just for a little while. Everything went back to where I fell.

Summer was really good; apart from the few days after Sam came to me and apologized. Then it’s always like that, happy times, the following will be nightmares. The worst thing came. Sam phoned me in early September. I was totally shocked; I’ve never expected to see his name came up on my cell. Even thought what he said was of nothing important but still I was once again broken. That phone call was enough to cause me pain. During the first week of September, it was never easy. ‘cos I was stupid enough to kept telling myself that there might be hope, maybe that’s because what he did seemed to tell me there was! That hope feels so real but also so not true. There is hope, but no one is gonna do anything about that and it will just slip away sooner or later.

Well, December was even worst, even though it was the happiest moment in High School. Excursion. Sam got my hopes up. I appreciated so much for what you have done for me during the trip, thanks so much, Jas! Actually, no matter what he did to me during that trip, I shouldn’t have given a damn because I knew perfectly clear that there was no hope, not a single one but I am just so stupid to wish! I’m such a dumbass! It was really hard for me to pull myself together. I cried again in the middle of the night, I guess that’s the reason why you think Sam made me cried, huh? Well, he didn’t, he was telling you the truth; I really did just sit there and cry.

I was so upset, I just never understand what he thinks. How the hell can he be so nice to me before and then afterward denied everything, pulled a once eighty one me!? I wanna know how he feels! I would like to know!! Will he feel sad? Or maybe he never really cared because what he did; they all showed me that he DIDN’T CARE. I’m nothing to him, maybe even worse than a stranger. These two months were never easy. I tried to forget about everything but I failed. I don’t have the strength to do so, not anymore.

I guess if I want to have something, I gotta go get it myself. So I planned to have a talk with Sam, telling him the truth that I still love him and that I really wanna get back with him, but too bad that I never got a chance. He shut my mouth up by asking me out and telling me he would stay away from me. I was once again broken. But I guess I’ve been through enough, and finally now I understand.

All this time I wanna get back with him and want to make repair of the relationship, because I know we may not see each other after high school and I feel like if Sam and I continue to stay this way, it will be a regret of me in the future. But actually the same theory works on the other way round, what’s the point of doing so much when we won’t see each other after graduation? Why will I try so hard to do something which is useless? I try so hard to forget something and someone I cannot, and then maybe I shouldn’t do that. Just let it be.

Jas, thanks for reading this and being with me all this time. You are always one of my best J.

Xo Xo

S

When Sam finished reading the letter, he collapsed to his knees; he could not believe he had been hurting Serena so badly all this time. He knew she was hurt, but he could never imagine what harm he had done to her. He never knew that it was so hard for Serena to forget about him. He regretted so much for what he had done, if he could, he really would undo everything. He would really choose a better way to fix the thing between Nancy, Serena and him. He was such a jerk, he knew that, he had been hurting the two girls that loved him so much and he was stupid enough to let himself hurt Serena when he really did love her. Sam took a deep breathe, quickly got up when he heard footstep coming down the hall, he put the letter away and left the classroom.

*

Serena searched inside her bag nervously, she could not find the letter, she was sure that it was in the bag a while ago but now it was gone!

“Geez, where is it!?” Serena muttered as she rushed back to the classroom. “Please don’t let anyone got it.” She was so scared, so scared that someone got it and read it, then she would be doomed. Serena pushed open the door and ran to her seat; she looked inside the drawer and was relieved to see that the letter was there.

*

Jasmine parked the car and went into Angela’s; she just couldn’t understand why Serena loved to eat pizza so much. Serena arrived at the restaurant soon after Jasmine got a table.

“Hey, you’re late.” Jasmine complained.

“Ah...sorry, something happened.” Serena apologized.

“What?” Jasmine asked with wide eyes.

“Never mind,” said Serena, “Oh, here, the letter.” Serena took it out from the bag and handed it to Jasmine.

“Tell me this time it is about something different.” Jasmine said she wished Serena would write about her feeling already!

“You’ll be satisfied.” Serena smiled, and Jasmine’s eyes narrowed.

*

On the way home, Sam couldn’t stop thinking about the letter, about what Serena had written. He was glad that Serena was finally moving on, and because of that Sam hated himself even more, Serena deserved more than him, what he did was even worst than cheating on her. Sam loved Serena but he had hurt her by dumping her for his so-called family Nancy! That was the last thing Sam wanted to do, actually he should never do that. Why couldn’t he with someone he loved? Why he needed to choose between his fake-closed family and someone he loved?

“That’s ridiculous, that’s madness!” Sam yelled and hitting hard of the steering wheel and the horn was pressed accidently.

“What’s your problem, dude!? Can’t you see we are in a traffic jam!?” The man in front lead out of the window and shouted at Sam.

Sam put up his hand and said, “I’m sorry!” Sam let out a sign, he really was so screwed.

*

“I’m impressed.” Jasmine commented as she raised her eyebrows, “I’m proud of you.”

Serena smiled, and took a sip of the frappucino. “I can’t always live in misery, Sam’s moving on, so why can’t I? Not matter what happened, the Earth’s still rotating, we are still living on this planet, and it’s not the end of the world! Everything will be ok.” Serena said as Jasmine gave her a big hug.

“Thanks, Jas.” Serena whispered in her ear.

*

Every student was assigned to write a speech for any topic as an English assignment. Sam wrote a speech about Serena for the English class. He knew that Serena would attend that lesson. Sam was somehow glad that he hadn’t changed the time table yet.

“Sam Parker, it’s your turn.” Mrs. Lucy said. Sam got up and walked to the front of the class.

“I’m writing this for someone important to me; I wanna make use of this opportunity to tell her how sorry I am.

“I’m sorry for everything, I should’ve thought twice before even promising you. I never know that there will be anyone who wants to stop us, finding ways to break us, and the most shocking news is that it was the person who is so closed to me who did that. If I knew this would happen, I would never get into a relationship with you. I am sorry that I denied about everything to everyone; my heart bleeds for putting you into misery. I want you to be happy. We should never start to be in a relationship at the first place, I should not let it happened.”

Sam’s eyes flew from the teacher to Serena, and locked eyes with her.

“All this time, things never worked out too well. You always cry because of me, because of what has happened between us. We were happier before getting into the relationship; maybe I should’ve let it stay that way. Then no one will want to stop us and there won’t be a chance for them to break us, we would be very happy. Too bad, everything is too late. Everything is my fault, even if that was the time we have to separate, I shouldn’t have hurt you like this, but please; trust me, what I did was the last thing I wanted to do to you. I had no choice but to do that.”

When Serena heard that, she looked at Sam. She frowned when Sam nodded his head, telling her that he was talking to her. Serena bit her lips, trying not to have the tears that were swimming in her eyes spilled out.

“I miss you every single day. No matter how hard I try not to think of you, I just can’t do that. It seems like the way I act showed you I don’t want to care and don’t even want to have any interactions with you, but you are wrong, I just can’t get back with you so I can’t be nice to you because I know that I will put you in misery if I continue doing that. Just forget about me and move on like you are right now. Don’t look back anymore. No matter what I did in the past that made you feel like I still care, but please just forget about them now. And I want you to know that everything that I said are not lies; I meant them all, but you have to forget about all these because none of those will happen again. Soon we will not see each other ever so it’s time to move on. I’m sorry.”

Sam’s eyes never left Serena’s when speaking. Serena knew he was talking to her but she wondered why he would do that all of a sudden. She looked away several times tried to hold the tears swimming in her eyes.

“Well done, Mr. Parker. That’s so touching. I’m sure that girl will forgive you.” Mrs. Lucy smiled and called, “Next, Miss Serena Pleasure.”

Serena took a deep breath and began, “Today I’m going to talk about trust. Everyone says that “I trust you.” But sometimes, it’s not true….ah….well…um...because they don’t really trust you.” Serena bitted her lower lips, she couldn’t remember her speech, and her head was flowing with the words of Sam.

“Well, the following is to you-know-who. You know what? I got what you mean, I really got that, and I know it’s time. You have been telling me to do so, and I’m working on it.” Serena stopped again; she wiped the tear falling down her cheek.

“GOSH! ’m sorry, Mrs. Lucy. I can’t go on. Excuse me.” Serena said as she ran out of the classroom, Sam watched Serena rushed out, with tears in her eyes.

Serena ran to the washroom, she looked into the mirror, tears dropped on her hands.

God, once again, she cried, because of Sam!

How could she move on like this?

“Why is he doing this!? Why can’t he just leave me alone?” Serena sobbed, she slide down and sat on the floor. Her hand ran into the hair and crying, her heart felt like being stabbed with a knife, again and again, and it just wouldn’t stop until you bleed to death.

*

Going to Nancy’s, Sam as not sure whether he wanted to or not, but he definitely needed to take his mind off Serena. He was not sure what he did was right or wrong, saying sorry again during the Speech. But one thing for sure, going to Nancy was right, at least he would not hurt her by saying I’m not coming.

Nancy had been telling him about her week, how unhappy it was and how much she missed Sam. Though Sam was listening to her, and he did show that he care, still he would not move back with her. He could not. Not what he still had feeling for others.

Is that called two-timing? Sam thought He remembered Joanna saying he was a two-timer.

But it couldn’t be when he was not dating Nancy.

The feeling was not the same as he had with Serena.

He sighed, maybe he shouldn’t come today. Not when his feeling was playing tricks on him.