Chapter 15
January 2009
All this time, no matter how Serena tried to act like normal, like nothing had happened, but Jasmine just knew she was not quite herself after the talk with Sam, because her eyes betrayed her. She had been working and studying all day and nights, she barely hanged out with her. She always said she was busy but in fact there was nothing to be busy with!
Jasmine tried to talk to Serena but she just wouldn’t talk! Every time Jasmine talked about that thing, Serena would say, “I’m fine”, or “I don’t want to talk about it”, and sometimes just ignored the question. So in order to make Serena tell her how she really felt, Jasmine thought of an idea.
Jasmine knew Serena was having trust issues with Sam, she simply just buried it deep down in fear that if she allowed it to surface for just a second, just allowed it to sneak up and actually admit to how afraid she was of Sam hurting her again; how afraid she was to just think of what Sam told her for just a second, she might not be able to cope anymore.
Jasmine suggested they did some kids act, writing letter to each other telling about how they had been. Jasmine knew sooner or later Serena would write her true feeling. At first, the letter Serena wrote to Jasmine were of nothing important, just telling Jasmine how boring the lessons had been, how busy she was. Serena knew what was the purpose of At last, Serena didn’t want to lie anymore, she wanted to have someone to talk to, and so she wrote a letter about everything.
“Hey Jas. Let’s go tea.” Serena said, as she came out from shower.
“Sure. Where do you wanna have it?” Jasmine asked, opening her locket and threw the dirty clothes in.
“Um, meet me at Angela’s at 4.” Serena said, leading against the wall, rubbing her hair dry with a towel.
“Ok, I’ll see you after English.” Jasmine smiled cunningly and put on the jacket.
“Oh, how cool it is to have English,” Serena sighed and continued, “I got Math.” Serena chewed her lips and walked away.
Finally, the Math lesson was over and Serena rushed out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang. The letter dropped out from her bag as she got up.
The letter addressed to Jasmine.
The letter which Serena finally chose to write her feeling about so many things.
The letter.
Sam was the last to leave the classroom. He was walking past the blackboard and he stopped when something caught his eyes. A blue envelope was lying under the desk next to where he was standing. The same blue envelope that he had once received from Serena. Sam bent down and picked it up, and saw that it was a letter which was addressed to Jasmine.
Jas
“It’s Serena’s handwriting.” Sam said to himself. His mind vacillating between opened it or not opened it. He wanted to know what Serena wrote, finally he gave in and opened it carefully trying not to have the envelop torn and read it.
Jas,
I know I’ve written you some serious crap. I know you want me to get over with Sam; I know you did this for me. I’m sorry for shutting myself out after Sam meeting me in the diner.
Jas, forgive me. In the following, you will know how I feel, and I am recovering, don’t worry.
I went nuts at the end of April, right after I’ve written a letter to Sam. I asked Joanna to give it to him because I’m afraid that he won’t accept it. I just don’t want to be rejected once again. Joanna told me later that Sam read it right away in the basketball court. When I heard that I thought it was a good sign. I thought Sam and I would be fine again. But I was so wrong! After Sam got the letter, even read it, he didn’t do anything! I was so broken at that time. I waited and waited for his reply but I got none.
I always woke up crying in the middle of the night dreaming about Sam telling me he was sorry but still he did break my heart. To tell the truth, I always feel like it was my fault that we are not together now, because he did say sorry but I was too upset and I said we couldn’t be together. I shouldn’t have said that! And now, everything becomes like that, I don’t know what Sam is thinking and I surely don’t know what he is doing. He is sometimes really close to me but sometimes he just stays the hell away from me. I don’t understand! I mean right now, I really wanna be back with him but seems like he didn’t want to. And I know why. I don’t want to accept the truth.
Anyway, after giving Sam the letter, months had passed; we almost never speak to each other. In May, I tired so hard not to think of Sam because I needa concentrate of my final. I can’t screw up the final because of him. I tried so hard to stop myself from thinking about him, and I did it! But it was just for a little while. Everything went back to where I fell.
Summer was really good; apart from the few days after Sam came to me and apologized. Then it’s always like that, happy times, the following will be nightmares. The worst thing came. Sam phoned me in early September. I was totally shocked; I’ve never expected to see his name came up on my cell. Even thought what he said was of nothing important but still I was once again broken. That phone call was enough to cause me pain. During the first week of September, it was never easy. ‘cos I was stupid enough to kept telling myself that there might be hope, maybe that’s because what he did seemed to tell me there was! That hope feels so real but also so not true. There is hope, but no one is gonna do anything about that and it will just slip away sooner or later.
Well, December was even worst, even though it was the happiest moment in High School. Excursion. Sam got my hopes up. I appreciated so much for what you have done for me during the trip, thanks so much, Jas! Actually, no matter what he did to me during that trip, I shouldn’t have given a damn because I knew perfectly clear that there was no hope, not a single one but I am just so stupid to wish! I’m such a dumbass! It was really hard for me to pull myself together. I cried again in the middle of the night, I guess that’s the reason why you think Sam made me cried, huh? Well, he didn’t, he was telling you the truth; I really did just sit there and cry.
I was so upset, I just never understand what he thinks. How the hell can he be so nice to me before and then afterward denied everything, pulled a once eighty one me!? I wanna know how he feels! I would like to know!! Will he feel sad? Or maybe he never really cared because what he did; they all showed me that he DIDN’T CARE. I’m nothing to him, maybe even worse than a stranger. These two months were never easy. I tried to forget about everything but I failed. I don’t have the strength to do so, not anymore.
I guess if I want to have something, I gotta go get it myself. So I planned to have a talk with Sam, telling him the truth that I still love him and that I really wanna get back with him, but too bad that I never got a chance. He shut my mouth up by asking me out and telling me he would stay away from me. I was once again broken. But I guess I’ve been through enough, and finally now I understand.
All this time I wanna get back with him and want to make repair of the relationship, because I know we may not see each other after high school and I feel like if Sam and I continue to stay this way, it will be a regret of me in the future. But actually the same theory works on the other way round, what’s the point of doing so much when we won’t see each other after graduation? Why will I try so hard to do something which is useless? I try so hard to forget something and someone I cannot, and then maybe I shouldn’t do that. Just let it be.
Jas, thanks for reading this and being with me all this time. You are always one of my best J.
Xo Xo
S
When Sam finished reading the letter, he collapsed to his knees; he could not believe he had been hurting Serena so badly all this time. He knew she was hurt, but he could never imagine what harm he had done to her. He never knew that it was so hard for Serena to forget about him. He regretted so much for what he had done, if he could, he really would undo everything. He would really choose a better way to fix the thing between Nancy, Serena and him. He was such a jerk, he knew that, he had been hurting the two girls that loved him so much and he was stupid enough to let himself hurt Serena when he really did love her. Sam took a deep breathe, quickly got up when he heard footstep coming down the hall, he put the letter away and left the classroom.
*
Serena searched inside her bag nervously, she could not find the letter, she was sure that it was in the bag a while ago but now it was gone!
“Geez, where is it!?” Serena muttered as she rushed back to the classroom. “Please don’t let anyone got it.” She was so scared, so scared that someone got it and read it, then she would be doomed. Serena pushed open the door and ran to her seat; she looked inside the drawer and was relieved to see that the letter was there.
*
Jasmine parked the car and went into Angela’s; she just couldn’t understand why Serena loved to eat pizza so much. Serena arrived at the restaurant soon after Jasmine got a table.
“Hey, you’re late.” Jasmine complained.
“Ah...sorry, something happened.” Serena apologized.
“What?” Jasmine asked with wide eyes.
“Never mind,” said Serena, “Oh, here, the letter.” Serena took it out from the bag and handed it to Jasmine.
“Tell me this time it is about something different.” Jasmine said she wished Serena would write about her feeling already!
“You’ll be satisfied.” Serena smiled, and Jasmine’s eyes narrowed.
*
On the way home, Sam couldn’t stop thinking about the letter, about what Serena had written. He was glad that Serena was finally moving on, and because of that Sam hated himself even more, Serena deserved more than him, what he did was even worst than cheating on her. Sam loved Serena but he had hurt her by dumping her for his so-called family Nancy! That was the last thing Sam wanted to do, actually he should never do that. Why couldn’t he with someone he loved? Why he needed to choose between his fake-closed family and someone he loved?
“That’s ridiculous, that’s madness!” Sam yelled and hitting hard of the steering wheel and the horn was pressed accidently.
“What’s your problem, dude!? Can’t you see we are in a traffic jam!?” The man in front lead out of the window and shouted at Sam.
Sam put up his hand and said, “I’m sorry!” Sam let out a sign, he really was so screwed.
*
“I’m impressed.” Jasmine commented as she raised her eyebrows, “I’m proud of you.”
Serena smiled, and took a sip of the frappucino. “I can’t always live in misery, Sam’s moving on, so why can’t I? Not matter what happened, the Earth’s still rotating, we are still living on this planet, and it’s not the end of the world! Everything will be ok.” Serena said as Jasmine gave her a big hug.
“Thanks, Jas.” Serena whispered in her ear.
*
Every student was assigned to write a speech for any topic as an English assignment. Sam wrote a speech about Serena for the English class. He knew that Serena would attend that lesson. Sam was somehow glad that he hadn’t changed the time table yet.
“Sam Parker, it’s your turn.” Mrs. Lucy said. Sam got up and walked to the front of the class.
“I’m writing this for someone important to me; I wanna make use of this opportunity to tell her how sorry I am.
“I’m sorry for everything, I should’ve thought twice before even promising you. I never know that there will be anyone who wants to stop us, finding ways to break us, and the most shocking news is that it was the person who is so closed to me who did that. If I knew this would happen, I would never get into a relationship with you. I am sorry that I denied about everything to everyone; my heart bleeds for putting you into misery. I want you to be happy. We should never start to be in a relationship at the first place, I should not let it happened.”
Sam’s eyes flew from the teacher to Serena, and locked eyes with her.
“All this time, things never worked out too well. You always cry because of me, because of what has happened between us. We were happier before getting into the relationship; maybe I should’ve let it stay that way. Then no one will want to stop us and there won’t be a chance for them to break us, we would be very happy. Too bad, everything is too late. Everything is my fault, even if that was the time we have to separate, I shouldn’t have hurt you like this, but please; trust me, what I did was the last thing I wanted to do to you. I had no choice but to do that.”
When Serena heard that, she looked at Sam. She frowned when Sam nodded his head, telling her that he was talking to her. Serena bit her lips, trying not to have the tears that were swimming in her eyes spilled out.
“I miss you every single day. No matter how hard I try not to think of you, I just can’t do that. It seems like the way I act showed you I don’t want to care and don’t even want to have any interactions with you, but you are wrong, I just can’t get back with you so I can’t be nice to you because I know that I will put you in misery if I continue doing that. Just forget about me and move on like you are right now. Don’t look back anymore. No matter what I did in the past that made you feel like I still care, but please just forget about them now. And I want you to know that everything that I said are not lies; I meant them all, but you have to forget about all these because none of those will happen again. Soon we will not see each other ever so it’s time to move on. I’m sorry.”
Sam’s eyes never left Serena’s when speaking. Serena knew he was talking to her but she wondered why he would do that all of a sudden. She looked away several times tried to hold the tears swimming in her eyes.
“Well done, Mr. Parker. That’s so touching. I’m sure that girl will forgive you.” Mrs. Lucy smiled and called, “Next, Miss Serena Pleasure.”
Serena took a deep breath and began, “Today I’m going to talk about trust. Everyone says that “I trust you.” But sometimes, it’s not true….ah….well…um...because they don’t really trust you.” Serena bitted her lower lips, she couldn’t remember her speech, and her head was flowing with the words of Sam.
“Well, the following is to you-know-who. You know what? I got what you mean, I really got that, and I know it’s time. You have been telling me to do so, and I’m working on it.” Serena stopped again; she wiped the tear falling down her cheek.
“GOSH! ’m sorry, Mrs. Lucy. I can’t go on. Excuse me.” Serena said as she ran out of the classroom, Sam watched Serena rushed out, with tears in her eyes.
Serena ran to the washroom, she looked into the mirror, tears dropped on her hands.
God, once again, she cried, because of Sam!
How could she move on like this?
“Why is he doing this!? Why can’t he just leave me alone?” Serena sobbed, she slide down and sat on the floor. Her hand ran into the hair and crying, her heart felt like being stabbed with a knife, again and again, and it just wouldn’t stop until you bleed to death.
*
Going to Nancy’s, Sam as not sure whether he wanted to or not, but he definitely needed to take his mind off Serena. He was not sure what he did was right or wrong, saying sorry again during the Speech. But one thing for sure, going to Nancy was right, at least he would not hurt her by saying I’m not coming.
Nancy had been telling him about her week, how unhappy it was and how much she missed Sam. Though Sam was listening to her, and he did show that he care, still he would not move back with her. He could not. Not what he still had feeling for others.
Is that called two-timing? Sam thought He remembered Joanna saying he was a two-timer.
But it couldn’t be when he was not dating Nancy.
The feeling was not the same as he had with Serena.
He sighed, maybe he shouldn’t come today. Not when his feeling was playing tricks on him.
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