Chapter 4
November 2009
Going out for tea with her best friend was what Serena loved to do the most. However, choosing the wrong pair of shoes to put on was certainly the dumbest thing she had ever done.
“Is there any other things you wanna buy for the trip tomorrow?” Serena asked.
Jasmine thought for a while and shook her head, “Nope.”
“Good ‘cause my feet hurt! I don’t wanna walk anymore.” Serena complained. Her heels were hurting her like a bitch.
“Told you not to wear heels,” Jasmine laughed and Serena l glared her, “Anyway, let’s go to Starbucks; it’s just a block away.” Jasmine suggested.
They went there and ordered drinks and started to chat. They loved to gossip but this time it was not gossiping about others.
“So exactly how did you recover? I heard from Joanna that you were pretty broken.” Jasmine asked and sipped her Frappacuino.
“It hadn’t been easy, but I tried so hard.” Serena said and stared at the drink as if she was looking at the past, how she lived through the hardest time with the help of Joanna.
Joanna called her everyday to check on her, all Serena would say on the phone were the three words, “I am fine.” And that’s it. Joanna was so worried about her but she just did not know what to do.
Joanna was determined. She was sick of hearing “I am fine.”
She made a decision. She went to Serena’s dorm. If Serena was not coming out of dorm and even open the door for her, Joanna would pull a false alarm and there was no way Serena’s not getting out of there. She would do everything to make her come out of the room.
Yes, that’s the plan.
“Serena, open up. It’s me.” Joanna knocked at the door. When there was no response, she tried again.
“Ok, Serena, I know you are in there. Open up!” Joanna said her voice a bit louder than just now.
“Serena! I meant it! You are going to open this damn door if not, you are going to regret for didn’t do what you are told!” Joanna shouted, “Open. The. Door.” Joanna said, word by word, making clear that she was not joking and she meant every word.
There was a click and the door opened.
“Serena?”
Joanna pushed the door opened and walked in. The room had not changed; it was still like before, so neat and tidy. But the person living in there was totally different.
“Serena, look at you! You’re a mess!” Joanna said and walked to her. Serena was curled on the bed again, she was wearing a loose T-shirt and her hair was in a mess, there were dark circles underneath her eyes, her face looked exhausted.
It was the end of April, final was coming, but she did not have any strength to face them, all her thoughts had been sucked out of her and she was nothing but a walking dead.
“Serena, look at me!” Joanna’s hand reached up to her head and so Serena’s gazed could not escape hers.
“You listen to me very careful, Serena Pleasure.” Joanna said, “You’re going to grab a shower, and then we’re going to have something to eat.”
Serena just looked at her, blankly; she did not say anything.
“C’mon! You can’t be like that anymore! You’re though, how can you be defeated so easily?” Joanna asked, a warm hand was placed on Serena’s shoulder.
“I don’t know what to do. It hurts so badly. I can’t stop it.” Serena whispered, her hand moved to her heart. “It hurts.”
Joanna looked at her, feeling sorry, “I know it hurts, but you have to face it, and you can’t run away from it! Only when you face it the pain will go away.” Joanna explained, and her warm hand was on Serena’s back, rubbing her gently, and quickly joined by an arm around her shoulders.
“It’s not that easy, it’s difficult. You won’t understand.” Serena said, shaking her head.
“SERENA! None of this is easy, but you have to deal with it!” Joanna shouted at her, the Serena in front of her was not the one she knew anymore, the one who was so happy and cheerful and would always know what to do at the worst scenario, that person was gone. But Joanna was determined to have her back!
“That’s it!” Joanna said and pulled her off the bed.
“Let go of me. Leave me alone.” Serena struggled.
“Not until you are really fine.” Joanna demanded, dragging her to the bathroom. Serena sat on the floor, staring at Joanna who clearly did not know what she was planning to do. Suddenly water was pouring down; Serena was soaked from head to toe.
“What the hell are you doing?” Serena yelled, getting up to her feet, trying to leave the bathroom, but Joanna stopped her. She kept the shower opened.
“You have to say you will move on! You have to tell yourself that Sam was nothing but just a piece of your memory, he’s not worth for you to go nuts!” Joanna yelled at her as she grabbed and shook Serena’s shoulders.
Serena shook her head, “Stop it! Stop it, Joanna!” she shouted right back at her.
“Say it!” Joanna shouted, no matter how hard Serena struggled, she was still under the shower, Joanna was not going to let her go.
“Please….” Serena pleaded.
“Serena! You gotta tell yourself that you will move on! You have to move on! YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON! SERENA PLEASURE! Sam’s not worth it! HE IS NOT WORTH IT!!” Joanna shouted at top of her lungs.
Serena whispered, “I can’t. I can’t.”
Jasmine listened to her story without interrupting. Occasionally, she would shake her head.
Joanna stared at her, she knew Serena could do that, all she needed was some push. Joanna pushed her against the wall, and shouting at her face, “Serena, you gotta move on! This is not a joke! You know you can’t live like that, you know that!”
Serena showing no respond, Joanna kept on going, “You’re so selfish, you know that? We all are worrying about you but you don’t care! You just keep on shutting yourself out! Do you have any idea how worry we have been? Do you know this is friggin’ selfish!?” Joanna shouted and she was ready to slap her if she had to.
Serena looked at her; at that very moment, she seemed to be snapped out of her nightmare.
Joanna was right, she could not live like that, no matter how bad she had been hurt, the wound would be healed, it was just a matter of time, but the pain would definitely go away. And she got friends who cared about her; she could not let them worry about her anymore. Serena nodded to herself; she couldn’t hold the tears anymore.
“I can do that. I can move on.” Serena said softly.
Joanna smiled, “Yeah! You can!”
“I WILL MOVE ON! I WILL MOVE ON! SAM PARKER IS NOTHING TO ME! HE IS A WORTHLESS JERK!” Serena yelled through tears.
“He’s not worth it…he’s one jerk liar!!” Serena slide to the floor. She brought her hands up to her face as she started to sob. She sobbed at her sadness, at Sam’s lies, and at the fucking promises that Sam once made and turned around breaking them.
How long did it last? Three months? Or just two months? Serena doubted that Sam was serious at that time. And here she was, wasting her time, crying because of someone she loved. The same person who promised her that he would love her all the way. She should be shouting at Sam for what he had done, screaming at him, slapping him, telling him to piss off and stay the hell away from her! But she couldn’t, all she could do was buried herself in her own sadness and let the tears took over.
Serena had been ignoring the part of her that was screaming at her, asking her to be strong and move on. She knew she couldn’t, it was not that simple. She had been hurt, but never like that. But now, she had been letting that thought entre, she was listening again.
Joanna threw a towel over Serena and just sat next to her, arm around Serena's shoulders. She slowly rocked Serena, slowly carding her fingers through her hair and trying to project the most comforting feelings she could at least gave Serena, but nothing seemed to stop her from crying.
“It’s gonna be ok, I’ll be with you. Just let the all the sadness comes out with the tears then everything will be fine.” Joanna whispered in her ear.
Joanna wanted to jump into Serena’s head so she could know how bad she was hurt and how she could help her. She was sure that Serena was being tortured by the mentally torture from Sam. And she was sure Serena was applying that torture to the Sam-must-hate-me and he-never-does-love-me category.
Joanna just hoped her being here, comforting Serena, not leaving her side, was enough to help Serena get to her feet.
“That’s how I was. I totally shut myself out from everyone. But thanks to Joanna, she saved me; she made me understand that it’s not worth it.” Serena looked at Jasmine through her streaming eyes.
“So you were okay after that? You didn’t shut yourself out again, right?”
Serena smiled continue her story from where she left off.
“Serena! See what I got!” Joanna said happily and sat down opposite Serena.
“Here.” Joanna pushed the application form across the table.
“A summer job?” Serena asked with a frown in her voice.
“Yeah. Summer is always the best time to earn money!” Joanna said and added, “C’mon, I’ve already filled in the form for you, all you gotta do is to sign your name.”
“Wow, you don’t even let me consider.” Serena laughed and signed the name; she knew that it would be healthy to get away from everything, just to spend a happy summer with Joanna.
“I’m not going to chance that possibility.” Joanna giggled.
Serena stopped and took a sip of her drink; she looked up from it and said, “There isn’t much after that. I’ve told you Sam came to apologize in August, I was so broken after that, but thanks to the summer job, I had put that aside. I spent the summer with Joanna, working at the public library. I was happy.”
Jasmine nodded, “Serena, I wish I was there.”
“It’s ok, and I’m glad you come back. I miss you, a lot.” Serena said and her hand reached for Jasmine’s.
They both laughed.
“Anyway where’s Joanna? I thought she’s coming?” Serena asked Jasmine, she did not want to talk about the past anymore, that was enough for one day.
“Um, let me call her.” Jasmine said as she opened the bag and took out her cell phone, she pressed the numbers and dial.
“Hey Joanna! Where’re you?” Jasmine asked.
“Oh sorry. I’m not coming. I’m shopping with Sam.” Joanna laughed when Sam said something funny.
“Well…okay, then see ya.” Jasmine said and hanged up.
Serena looked at Jasmine, waiting for her to speak.
“So….?”
“So Joanna’s not coming, she’s having fun shopping with—” Jasmine trailed off.
“With who?” Serena looked up from her drink and asked.
Jasmine stretched her head, “Uh….never mind.” she said and stared down at her drink.
“She’s with Sam, isn’t she?”
Jasmine nodded.
“C’mon, it’s okay, I can’t get upset whenever I hear the name Sam. Lots of people called Sam, I can’t get upset when whoever speaks this name.” Serena told Jasmine, she faked a smiled. In fact, she did feel weird and uneasy whenever she knew Joanna was with Sam. They had been way too close recently and made Serena had the feeling that they were together. They were never that close before, it was true that they had been hanging out, chatting on phone in the past, but they had been doing these way way too much lately. It just did not feel right. But Serena could not be sure, she did not think Joanna would be with Sam and fall in love with him when she knew Serena was still in love with Sam, and maybe Sam felt the same the other way round. Serena shook her head and clear the thought, she said, “Let’s forget about the past and look into the future! We better go pack for tomorrow.” Serena paid the bill and put on her jacket.
“Yeah, I’m so excited about the trip!” Jasmine said, not really in too much enthusiasm; she really hoped that Serena was okay and would be okay.
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